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英語ゲームリンク集:http://allabout.co.jp/study/english/closeup/CU20070125A/

超美人による英語教育サイト:http://mastersinenglish.org/

英語のジョーク集?Joke in English エキサイト翻訳 Web翻訳

Fascinating: Glamour. Enchant, Charm, Captivate.

temptation  hangover Promised Land  outdoor recreation.  

Intelligent Design 知的設計論 Creationism 天地創造論

I'm not free tonight. Give me a rain check. Wisdom Teeth

She feels dizzy. chilly sick  That was a big help.

Longtime no see. How have you been. Who is speaking? Could you identify yourself?

How can I begin? Do you have any advice? I'd like to facilitate the teleconference efficiently. May I ask your advice?

Would you mind if we stop and walk around a little? - No. not at all. Would you mind going a little slower?

I saw you come out of the convenience store. I saw him go to the courthouse. I saw you cross the road. I saw you crossing the road. When I see you move I can tell you are a dancer. Must be exciting to see them doing the move together.

Would you like to leave a message? Can I have a message? Anything else?

How do you like your coffee?  Iced Coffee. Tea with milk. With cream, please. Black, please. Say when. When.

Thank you for your time. /your kindness. /your advice.  Not at all.

It's the feeling that I get from the people.

I'd love to taste the pasta that you make.

As soon as practical.

His nose is running. His eyes is puffy. he has a sneeze,cold,fever,headache and backache.

I7m a little disappointed. I feel relieved. I feel grate, touched.

I have been waiting for the oppertunity. Chikened out. Blinker. keep going.

Pink Slip (解雇通知) Undies for battle. I love you for the rest of my life.

to really listen. different way of considering life. confident. personarity.

private question. Fresh Prince. You did a good job. Better. Excellent.

Practical consideration. lifesaver.

Would you please call for a taxy? Should I call in a doctor?

You really helped me break the ice.

Saying goodbye always break my heart.  Break a leg !

What is for dinner? May I have the recipe?

Do you have any local dishes?  Could you recomend--  We are famous in --

That'll be 32 dollars.  Give me five dollars back, please.  Keep the change.

Can you change this into dollars? I'll take 8 tens and 5 ones. Let me check it.

I feel power!(力がわいてきたぜ)

How do you do that? I'd love to.

It's harder than I thought. Did you put in a lot of time and effort making these?

She feel dizzy/sick/chilly.  Thank you very much. That was a big help.

Thank you for your help. I'll miss you. We'll miss you, too. It was nice meeting you.
Take it easy. Let's keep in touch. Have a nice trip home.

How do you feel? It's rather hard. How's this. Very nice.  It's rather cheap.

invincible template  What in it? You did a grate job.  strong, rich, thick

30-60-80sqm, 150-200sqm: 70,000 - 100,000Baht/sqm

I feel so lost without you.  What would you like to do with it?  How do you do that?

I'd love to. Are you new here?  I wish I could.  I've got to go.

It's harder than what I thought.  Yes, but so far so good.

Matsui is floating under the radar. You cannot judge book by the cover.

I made a reservation for standard twin room. Do you have a confirmation slip? Sorry for the mistake. That's OK.

Pianissimo DRAM AMORN(修理) This is your gift.(神からの贈り物)

Steamed Milk (ホットミルク) Good Job! Marry into money (玉の輿) 

How do I start the pump. unleaded gas, operate hundle, return nozzle. Have a nice day You too.

Can I try them on? The fitting room is over here. How do I look. Look nice on you. I'll take it.

Traditional japanese noodle served hot in the pot.

She sells seashells by the seashore

Joke USA UK China Thailand バンコク 冗談 ジョーク  Joke02

George:
Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
ジョージ:コンデイー!君に会えて嬉しいよ。
何が起こっているのかね?

Condi:
Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
コンデイ:サー、私は此処に中国のニュー・リーダーに就いての報告をお持ちしました。

George: Great. Lay it on me.
ジョージ:宜しい。それを私に提示し給え。

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
コンデイ: フー が中国の新指導者です。

(フー:who/Hu. 誰が中国の新指導者であるのか。)

George: That's what I want to know.
ジョージ: それが私の知りたいことだ。

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
コンデイ:それが私の申上げたことです。

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
ジョージ:それが私の訊いていることだ。 誰が中国の新指導者なのか? (フー)

Condi: Yes.
コンデイ: そうです。

George: I mean the fellow's name.
ジョージ: 私が訊いているのはその男の名前なのだ。

Condi: Hu.
コンデイ:フー (誰)

George: The guy in China.
ジョージ: 中国のその男。

Condi: Hu.
コンデイ: フー

George: The new leader of China.
ジョージ: 中国のその新指導者。

Condi: Hu.
コンデイ: フー

George: The main man in China!
ジョージ:中国に居るその主たる男!

Condi: Hu is leading China.
コンデイ:フーが中国を率いています。 (誰)

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
ジョージ:今何を貴女が私に訊いているのか?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
コンデイー:私が貴方に申上げているのです、フーが中国を指導しています。 (誰)

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
ジョージ: 宜しい、さて、私が君に訊いているのだ。誰(フー)が中国を指導しているのか?

Condi: That's the man's name.
コンデイ: それがその男の名前です。

George: That's who's name?
ジョージ: それが誰(フー)の名前?

Condi: Yes.
コンデイー:そうです。

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?
ジョージ: 君は 中国の新指導者の名前を私に告げないのか、告げるのか?

Condi: Yes, sir.
コンデイー:イエス・サー

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.
ジョージ: ヤッサー? ヤッサー・アラファトが中国に居るのか?私は彼が中東で死んだと思っていた。

Condi: That's correct.
コンデイー: そのご了解は正しいです

George: Then who is in China?
ジョージ: それなら、フー(誰)が中国に居るのか?

Condi: Yes, sir.
コンデイー: イエス・サー。

George: Yassir is in China?
ジョージ: ヤッサーが中国に居る?

Condi: No, sir.
コンデイー:ノー、サー。

George: Then who is?
ジョージ: それなら、フー(誰)が居るのか?

Condi: Yes, sir.
コンデイー: イエス、サー。

George: Yassir?
ジョージ: ヤッサー?

Condi: No, sir.
コンデイー:ノー、サー。

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
ジョージ:なー、コンデイー、私は中国の新指導者の名前を知る必要があるんだ。国連の事務総長を電話で呼び出して私に繋いでくれ。

Condi: Kofi?
コンデイー: コフィー?

George: No, thanks.
ジョージ: ノー・サンクス。

Condi: You want Kofi?
コンデイー: 貴方はコフィーをお望みですか?

George: No.
ジョージ: ノー。

Condi: You don't want Kofi.
コンデイー: 貴方はコフィーをお望みではないのですか?

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
ジョージ: ノー。だが、君が今そう言うので、私はミルクをコップ一杯所望してもいいよ。そして、私に国連を繋いでくれ。

Condi: Yes, sir.
コンデイ: イエス、サー。

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
ジョージ: ヤッサーではない! 国連のその男だよ。

Condi: Kofi?
コンデイー: コフィー?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
ジョージ: ミルクだ! どうかその電話をしてくれないか?

Condi: And call who?
コンデイー: そして誰を呼び出します?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
ジョージ:フー(誰)が国連でのその男なのだ?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China
コンデイー: フー(誰)が中国に居る男です。

George: Will you stay out of China?!
ジョージ: 君 中国から外れてくれないか?

Condi: Yes, sir.
コンデイー: イエス、サー。

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
ジョージ: そして 中東からも外れてくれないか!唯 私に国連のその男を繋いでくれ。

Condi: Kofi.
コンデイー:コフィ。

George: All right! With cream and two sugars.
 ジョージ:オーライ! クリームと砂糖を二つ付けてくれ。


CLINTON:
Call Lewinsky I need that one now !
Call Lewinsky I need the oral now !

森喜郎:(クリントン大統領に対し)Who are you?
   (本当はHow are you?と言う予定だった)
クリントン:(冗談かと思い英語で)私はヒラリーの夫です。あなたは?
   (本来の返答はFine Thank you. How about you?
森喜郎Me too.(私もです
クリントン:……(汗)

Home Joke02 BodyPaint? Fascinating


Dear Dr.Phil,
親愛なるフイル博士、

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing.
私が引退した時は、私は私のお気に入りの気晴らしーバス釣りーをするのを待ち切れないほど楽しみでした。

I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.
私は自分のフィッシング・ボートを得ました、 そして私の妻が私と一緒に釣りに加わらせようと試みましたが、彼女はどうしても釣りを好みませんでした。

Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do.
結局、或る日釣りの餌と巻揚げ器具店で、その店主で私と同様にバス釣りを愛するようになったサムとお話をせざるを得ませんでした。

We quickly became fishing buddies.
私達は急速に釣り仲間になりました。

As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing.
私が申上げたとおり、妻は釣りに興味ありません。

She not only refuses to join u! s she a lways complains that I spend too much time fishing.
彼女は私達に加わるのを拒否するだけではなく、常に私が釣りに
余りに時間を取り過ぎると文句を言います。


A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever.

2〜3週間前、サムと私は未だ嘗て無い 最高の釣り旅行をしました。

Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother!
私が嘗て見たことも無いほどの最高の美しいバスを捕らえたのみならず、その2〜3分後にはサムがその魚の双子の兄弟を捕らえたのでした!

So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.
そこで私は、私達が捕らえたその2尾の素晴らしいバスを持上げている写真を撮りました、そして、妻が多分興味を持つかも知れないことをきぼうししつつその写真を妻に見せました。

Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore!
ところがあろうことか、彼女は私が今後一切釣りに出掛けることを望まないと言うのです。

And she wants me to sell the boat!
そして彼女は私がそのボートを売却する様に望むのです。

I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.
私が思うに、彼女は私自身が楽しむのを単に好まないのです。

What would you do?
どうすればよいのでしょう?

Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
妻にそんなことは忘れろと言って私のホビーを継続するか、又は、彼女が主張している通りに釣りを止めて、そのボートを売却すべきなのでしょうか?

Thanks,
有難う、

PS Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught
追伸:私達が捕らえた例の2尾のバスを持っているサムの写真を同封します。


Dear Fisherman, Get rid of that narrow minded wife. That's a nice pair of bass!

DR Phil


中国は2008のオリンピックに備えて英語に磨きをかけている???
http://www.engrish.com/












Subject: Questioning the Monkey
首題:そのサルへの詮索尋問

Questioning the Monkey

Once in America a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive.
或る時アメリカで飛行機が墜落した、その航空機の搭乗旅客中唯一生存したのは一匹のサルでした。

Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.

幸運にも そのサルは知能が高く我々の人語を理解する聡明さを有していたので、諸行動に就いて回答します。

The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

当局者達は病院にそのサルを訪問面会し、そのサルと話しました。

Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"

オフィサー:”その飛行機が離陸した時、旅客者達は何をしていましたか?

Monkey: "Tying their belts"
サル: ”彼等のシートベルトを締めようとしていました”

Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"
オイサー:”エアホステス達は何をしていましたか?”

Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"

サル:”ハロー!グッドモーニング!と言っていました”

Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
オフィサー:”パイロット達は何をしていましたか?”

Monkey: "Checking the system"
サル:”そのシステムをチェックしていました”

Officer: "What were you doing?"
オフィサー:”アナタは何をしていましたか?”

Monkey: "Looking for my people"
サル:”私のお仲間を探していました”

Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"

オフィサー:”10分後、旅客達は何をしていましたか?”

Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"
サル:”飲み物を飲んだりスナック類を食べたりしていました”

Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"

オフィサー:そのエアホステス達は何をしていましたか?”

Monkey: "Serving the travelers"
サル:旅客達にサービスしていました”

Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"
オフィサー:”パイロット達は何をしていましたか?”

Monkey: "Handling the steering"
サル: ”その操縦桿を操っていました”

Officer: "What were you doing?"

オフィサー:”アナタは何をしていましたか?”

Monkey: "Eating & throwing"
サル: ”食べたり、放り投げたりしていました”

Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"

オフィサー:30分後 旅客達は何をしていましたか?”

Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"
サル:”若干の人達は眠っており、若干の人達は読書をしていました”

Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"

オフィサー:”エアホステス達は何をしていましたか?”

Monkey: "Make up"

サル:”メーキャップをしていました”

Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
オフィサー:”パイロット達は何をしていましたか?”

Monkey: "Handling the steering"
サル:”操縦桿を操っていました”

Officer: "What were you doing?"
オフィサー:”アナタは何をしていましたか?”

Monkey: "Nothing"

サル:”何もしていませんでした”

Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"

オフィサー:”飛行機墜落直前に旅客達は何をしていましたか?”

Monkey: "All were sleeping"

サル:”全員眠っていました”

Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"

オフィサー:”そのパイロット達は何をしていましたか?”

Monkey: "Handling the air hostess"
サル:”エアホステスを操っていました”

Officer: What were you doing?
オフィサー:アナタは何をしていましたか?”

Monkey: Handling the steering!!!!!
サル: 操縦桿を操っていました!!!!

No more Questions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

最早質問無し!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

新種の病気(某商社海外店内で流行?

鬱病
打つ病
練習のしすぎで‘玉を見ると打つ’という条件反射がついてしまう病気。
躁鬱病
manic-depressive  psychosis
-打つ病
上記打つ病が高じて、人のスイングに対してもあ-だこ-だそ-だと注文をつけるようになる病気、HDCP 10前後の人に多い。
エイズ AIDS 
老いず
自分の実際の歳が判らなくなり、歳不相応なドライバーショットをしたり、夜遅くまで女遊びをしたりするようになる病気。
デング熱
dengue fever
テング熱
ゴルフがうまくなって「90もたたいちゃったよ」なんて口を訊くようになる病気。人の事はど-でもエーデス蚊が媒介する。
梅毒 syphilis
倍毒
すぐに後半のハーフを倍にしたがる病気。イン倍(淫売)がら移される事が多い。
カッケ  beriberi
賭っけ
上記倍毒の人が必ずかかっている病気。
口内炎
来ない炎
スタート時間に間に合わなくなる病気。
 ライ病
leprosy
ライ病
ショットの失敗をボールのライのせいにするようになる病気。「シャンクシャンク」とくしゃみをするのが病状。
腹膜炎peritonitis
フケまくる炎
テイーショットの時に右に押しだしてばかりになる病気。
脳卒中  
ノーしょっちゅう
いつも上司の命令にノーと言うようになる病気。
肺病 
ハイ病
いかなるときも上司の命令に逆らわない、「ノーしょっちゅう」と反対の症状が出る病気。人格が破壊されるおそれが有る。
アルツハイマー
アル中ハイマー
いずれも酒が原因の病気。命に関わる事もあるが、それより自身の名誉にかかわる事をしでかす可能性が高い。
子宮筋腫
至急禁酒

脳内出血
能なし出欠
会議に出ても何の役にも立たずに、ただ参加しているだけで一言もしゃべらない。
結核   TB
毛欠く
多忙が原因で脱毛してしまう。
痛風    gout
TO WHO?
海外駐在員が、自分が誰にレポートすべきなのか判らなくなる病気。
糖尿病
diabetes mellitus
殿病
自分が世界で一番偉いと思いこむようになる、一種の精神病。
水虫
athletes foot
見ず無視
書類をよく見ないでサインして廻すようになる病気。
十二指腸潰瘍  
自由に出張がしたいよう
経費節減で出張ができなくなってアトレスがたまりかかる病気。
狂犬病
hydrophobia, rabies
強権病
偉くなったとたんに「俺の言う事が聞けんのか!」と言う様になる病気。
虫歯
decayed tooth
無視バカ
アホと話をしなくなる病気。
膠原病
collagen disease
方言病
英語をしゃべると思わず語尾に‘ナア’とか‘ネ’がついたりする病気。強い伝染性を持つ。
水庖瘡
 chicken pox
見ず暴走
雨の降り始めに多い病気。スピードメーターを見ずに暴走し車を大破させる。本人は意外と症状が軽い。
結膜炎
conjunctivitis
ケツまくる宴
カラオケでついかかってしまう病気。翌日顔に赤く手の痕がつく症状が出る事がある。またケツを拝みすぎて拝ケツ症になる事もある。
リューマチ
rheumatism
(リュウ)待ち
麻雀で中・白をポンしている相手に真っ向から勝負してしまう病気。ド近眼の人に多く30センチ以上向こうが見えない。
白内障
cataract
吐かない症
酒を拒絶するようになる病気。たいてい夕方までには直る。
生理不順
整理不純
机のまわりをちっとも片づけなくなる病気。

Home Joke02

Michelle Wie - Golf Humor

Matching lavender outfit: $200
New pair of French sunglasses: $100
NIKE products Endorsements: $10,000,000
Having a "special place" to hold your putter . . . PRICELESS


STRESS

I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.
Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.
A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical,
a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins.
The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.
Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.




No Need to Reply, I'll be on Vacation

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


May I convey the attched 6 worst female drivers pictures onto you as received from U.K.
What can I say - the pictures speak for themselves.
Besides, it goes without saying that I have no any prejudice against female. Hve a G' Day!!! Regards,



To my darling husband,
私の愛しい旦那様へ、

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
貴方が海外出張からお帰りになる前に、私は貴方に一寸知っておいて頂きたいのは、私のピックアップ・トラックで家の車寄せに入った時の小さな事故に就いてです。 幸いにも、左程悪いものでなく、私は本当に何も怪我しませんでした、ですから私に就いてはどうぞ余りご心配なさらないで下さい。

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
私は、ウオールマートからの帰りで、家の車寄せに曲がった時 偶々ブレーキの替りにアクセルを踏込んだのでした。 ガレージのドアは、僅かに曲がっていますが、幸運なことにそのピックアップ・トラックは、貴方の車にぶつかって止まりました。

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
本当にごめんなさいね、でも貴方は親切な性格で私を赦して下さるだろうことを私は知っています。

I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
私は、貴方の為に一枚写真を同封します。 私は貴方を再度私の腕の中に抱きしめるのを待ちきれません。

Your loving wife,
貴方の愛する妻、
Madeline
マドレーヌ

追伸: 貴方の女友達からお電話がありました。

 

Which of the two birds is a female?

Below are two birds. Study them closely.........
See if you can spot which of the two is the female. It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills.


Who's Cat?

Subject: Only in the USA and Canada
主題:米国とカナダに於いてのみ...

Only in USA AND CANADA.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
> 米国及びカナダに於いてのみでは.. .ドラッグストアは 病人を店の奥まで彼等の医者の処方箋を受取るべく 長い距離を歩かせる、が 一方 健康な人々は簡単に入り口でシガレット類を買うことが出来る。
>
Only in USA And Canada......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.!
> 米国及びカナダに於いてのみでは、人々が諸ダブル・チーズバーガー、大きな諸ポテト・フライ と そして ダイエット・コークを1つ注文する。
>
Only in USA and Canada......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..
> 米国及びカナダに於いてのみでは、 諸銀行は 両側の諸扉を開けっ放しにして置くが、諸カウンターの諸ペンには鎖を付ける。
>
Only in USA and Canada......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
> 米国及びカナダに於いてのみでは、 何千ドルもする諸自動車を家の外のドライブウエイに駐車した儘にする一方、ガレージの中には、使い道も無いガラクタを置いている。
>
Only in USA and Canada......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
> 米国及びカナダに於いてのみでは、ホットドッグを10包みに入れたセットで買いそしてロールパンを8つの包みに入れて買う。
>

Only in USA and Canada......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
> 米国及びカナダに於いてのみでは, 'ポリテイックス’なる言葉を妥当適切な措置を表現するのに使うが、ラテン語では’ポリ’は ’沢山’、’テイクス’は’吸血鬼’を意味する。
>
Only in USA and Canada......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
> 米国及びカナダに於いてのみでは、諸ATM自動現金預入払出機の値段をブライユ式(盲人用)点字を付けて釣上げてきた。
>
EVER WONDER ....
> 何時も不思議に思うのは...
>
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
> 何故太陽は我々の髪の毛の色を薄くするのに、我々の皮膚を黒くするのか?
>
> Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?!
> 何故ご婦人方は マスカラを付けるのに彼女等の口を開けないでは出来ないのか?
>
Why don't you ever see the headline
> 見出し表題を見ようとしないのか
>
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
> ”心霊力に敏感な人は宝くじを当てるか”?
>
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
> 何故 ”短縮省略された”はこんなに長い単語なのか?
>
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
> 何故諸医者達は、彼等が行うことを"プラクテイス:演習”と呼んでいるのか?
>
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid Made with real lemons?
> 何故レモンジュースは人工的香料で作られ、そして皿洗い液は本物のレモンで作られるのか?
>
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
> 何故 人はお金を全部 ブローカー(:壊す人)と呼ばれる者に 投資するのか?
>
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
> 何故1日の交通の最もスローな(遅い)時間を ラッシュ(:迅速にする:急ぐ)アワーと呼ぶのか? >
>
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
> 何故 ネズミの香りをつけたキャット・フードが存在しないのか?
>
You know that indestructible! black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
> 貴方は諸航空機に使用されている絶対壊れないブラック・ボックスをご存知でしょう? 何故彼等はそれを使って飛行機全体を作らないのか?
>
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
> 何故 全部が一緒にくっ付いているのに それを アパートメント(:離れているもの)と呼ぶのか?
>
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
> コン(:con)が プロ(:pro)の反対であるなら、コングレス(:Congress:米議会)はプログレス(:progress:前進発展)の反対か?
>
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
> 飛行がそんなに安全であるのなら、何故彼等はその空港をターミナル(:終着)と呼ぶのか?



Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*

Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short. Dance naked


Stress Reliever # 1
ストレス緩和剤 # 1

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
> 妻:貴方は何時も私の写真を貴方の事務所に手持ち鞄に入れて持ち歩いているのね。どうしてなの?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
> ハズバンド:何か問題のある時、たとえそれが如何に不可能困難なことでも、僕は、貴女の写真を見るんだ。そうすればその問題は解消するんだ。 
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
> 妻:ねー貴方分かるでしょ、私が貴方にとって 如何に奇跡的で効力があるかが..?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?" _
> ハズバンド:そうなんだよ、僕は貴女の写真を見て そして 僕自身に言うんだ; ”これよりも 厄介大変なことなんか他にあり得るだろうか?”って。
_____________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 2
> ストレス緩和剤#2

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
> 少女:私達が結婚したら、私は貴方の全ての心配事揉め事分かち合ってそして貴方の重荷を軽くしてあげたいの。
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
> 少年:君はとても親切だね、ダーリン、でも僕は何の心配事もトラブルも持っては居ないんだよ。
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet. _
> 少女:ねえ、それは私達が未だ結婚して無いからなのよ。
____________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 3
> ストレス解消剤 #3

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
> 息子:ママ、僕がパパと今朝一緒にバスに乗っていた時パパは僕に僕の席をご婦人に譲れって言ったんだよ。
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
> ママ:そう、ではボクは正しい良いことをしたのよい。
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap. _
>息子:でもママ、ボクはパパの膝の上に座っていたんだよ。
____________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 4
>ストレス解消剤 #4

Wife : "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
> 妻:夜こんな時間に帰宅する貴方の言い訳は何なの?
Husband : "Golfing with friends, my dear."
> ハズバンド:"友達とのゴルフだよ、マイ・デイア”
Wife : "What? At 2 am?"
> 妻: ”なんですって? 夜中の2時に?”
Husband : "Yes, We used night clubs." _
>ハズバンド:”そうだよ、僕たちはナイト・クラブを使うんだ。”
_____________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 5
>ストレス・解消剤 #5
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
> 新婚の男が彼の妻に訊いた;”若し僕のお父さんが僕に財産を残して呉れなかったとしたら、それでも君は僕と結婚してくれただろうか?”
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
> ”ハニー、” その女は甘く答えた; ”私は誰が貴方に財産を残したって勿論貴方と結婚したわ。”
____________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 6
> ストレス・解消剤 #6
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
> 試験の後、父親が息子に:”お前の成績通信簿を私に見せなさい。”
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents." __
> 息子:”僕の友達がそれを僕から借りて行ったよ。彼は彼の両親を怖がらせたいって。”
____________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 7
>ストレス解消剤 #7

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
> "貴女のブラインド・デートどうだった?”大学生が彼女のルーム・メイトに訊いた。”
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls-Royce."
> "酷かったわ”そのルーム。メイトは答えた。”彼は彼の1932年型 ロールスロイスで現れたの。”
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
> ”ウワー、それはとても高価な車でしょ。何がそんなに悪かったの?”
"He was the original owner."
> ”彼は、それのオリジナル・持ち主だったのよ。”
_____________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 8

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
______________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 9

Interviewer: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire? "
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before
you married her ? "
Millionaire: "A Billionaire" _

_____________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 10

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning. _

______________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 11

A man was asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
He replied: "Depends, if I can find a phone."
______________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 12
>> >
Man to wife on wedding night: "Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?"
Wife replied: "Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others ! "
____________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 13

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."
______________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 15

Doctor to his lady patient: "You look terribly weak and exhausted!
Are you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?"
Lady replied: "Doctor, I thought you said three males a day."
 

Smart Women Series

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
ロマンス・算数
Smart man + smart woman = romance
スマート男 + スマート女 = ロマンス
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
スマート男 + 愚かな女 = 情事
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
愚かな男 + スマート女 = 結婚
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
愚かな男 + 愚かな女 = 妊娠
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
事務所・算術

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
スマート・ボス + スマート・従業員=利益

Smart boss + dumb employee = production
スマート・ボス+ 愚かな従業員= 生産高

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
愚かな・ボス+ スマート・従業員= 昇進

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
愚かな・ボス+ 愚かな・従業員 = 残業
_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH
ショッピング・数学

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
男は彼に必要な$10の品に$20支払うだろう。

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
女は彼女には不要な$20の品に$10を支払うだろう。
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
一般方程式と統計

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
女は、彼女が夫を得る迄は将来に就いて心配する。

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
男は、彼が妻を得る迄は将来に就いて何の心配もしない。

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
男の成功者とは、彼の妻が使える以上のお金を稼ぐ人である。

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
女の成功者とは、その様な男を見出せる人である。
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
幸福

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
男と共に幸福になるには、貴女は彼を沢山理解し、そして彼をほんの少しだけ
愛さねばならない。

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
女と共に幸福になるには、貴方は彼女を沢山愛し、そして彼女を理解しよう等とは
決して試みないようにせねばならない。
______________________________
LONGEVITY
長寿

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
既婚の男は独身の男より長生きするが、既婚の男はもっと喜んで死ぬ。
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
変化に対する性癖・傾向

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
女は、男が変わることを期待して結婚するが、彼は変らない。

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
男は、女が変らないことを期待して結婚するが、彼女は変る。
_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
討論テクニック・技巧

A woman has the last word in any argument.
女は、どんな口論に於いてもその最後の言葉を持つ。

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
男が何を言っても、その後 それが新しい口論の始まりとなる。

___________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
結婚するように勧めて貴方を困らせる人達を止める方法

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
年とったおばさん達が結婚式の度に私によって来ては、私の脇腹を突付いてキャッキャ笑いながら私に"この次は貴方よ”と言うのが常であった。 彼女等が止めたのは、私が彼女等に同じことを葬式の度に始めた後である。

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT.


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What Grandmas Know
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,
too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."


Jokes

"Cash, check, or charge?" I asked, after folding the items the woman wanted to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked curiously.
"No," she replied," but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
so I figured this was the most evil thing I could legally do to him."

A man walked into a pharmacy and wandered up and down the aisles. The sales girl noticed him and asked him if she could help him. He answered that he was looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directed him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposited a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. The salesgirl, looking confused, asked, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”
He replied, "Well, I’ll tell you, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, ‘cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper’. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she...”


The Bacon Tree
ベーコンの木

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...
2人のメキシコ人が砂漠で立ち往生し、当てもなく彷徨いそして殆ど死にそうになった。 彼等は寄り添って唯横たわりそして避けられない死を待つのみだった、その時突然...


"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".
"ヘイ,ペペ, 俺が嗅いでる匂いをお前も嗅いでいるか。 それはベーコンだぜ、俺が確かに食べるやつだぜ。”

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
”そうだよ、ルイス, それは俺にもベーコンみたいに匂ってるよ。””

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
そこで、力を振り絞って、彼らはもがいて立ち上がりその次の砂丘に向かった、 そしてそこで、離れた場所に、一本の木があり ベーコンが一杯生っていた。

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
生のベーコンがあり、,湿気が滴り落ちている、 フライド・ベーコンがあり、 バック・ベーコン、ダブル・スモークド・ベーコン、...想像できるありとあらゆる種類の保存された豚肉!!


"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
"ペペ, ペペ, 俺達は助かる。  それはベーコンの木だ。”


"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don't forget "
”ルイス, 確かにミラージュ(蜃気楼)じゃないんだろうな?俺達は砂漠に居ることを忘れるなよ”


Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
ペペ, ミラージュ(蜃気楼)がベーコンみたいに匂うなんて話を聞いたことないだろう.. それは 蜃気楼なんかじゃない、それはベーコンの木だよ。”

and with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
そして それで、...ルイスはその木に向かって突進した。彼は5メーター内に達する、 ペペは直ぐ後ろに続いて追った、とその時突然、マシンガン機銃掃射が為され、 ルイスは彼の進路に撃ち落された。彼が致命傷を負ったことは明白であるが、 彼は真の友人である、彼は彼の死に行く最後の息のもとなんとかやっとペペに警告を
発する。

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
”ペペ, ... 引き返せ、お前が正しかった、 それは ベーコンの木じゃなかった”


"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
”ルイス、ミ・アミゴ(俺の友よ)...それは何なのか?”

" Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....
”ペペ....それは ベーコンの木ではない...

Ees.........
それは.....

Ees.....
それは...


Ees.....
それは...

Ees.....
それは...

Ees, a Ham Bush"
それは、 ハム・ブッシュ”


<注: ハム・ブッシュ → アン・ブッシュ=am・bush=待ち伏せ・奇襲>

UNQUOTE <スペイン語でのh(アチェ)も無音...フランス語のh(アッシュ ミュエ h muet1)同様に..>


Subject: Going through Paris at full speed with a Ferrari...

Dear Friends,

Here is an amazing video of 8 minutes shot in Paris by the famous Claude Lelouch :  http://files.stuntcook.com:8000/files/14356_1128590866.mov

I believe that nobody would dare today to drive at that speed through the "city of lights".

The video was made with a Ferrari 275 GTB and its duration is 8 minutes (you may need to wait few minutes to download it from the web site according to your connection speed).

Drive safely during the week-end !


Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question.
下記は4つの質問と 1つのボーナス質問です。

You have to answer them instantly.
貴方はそれらに即答しなければなりません。

You can't take your time, answer all of them
immediately. OK?
貴方は時間をかける事は出来ません、それらの全てに
瞬時に回答願います。準備 OKですか?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....
さあ、貴方が実際に如何に利口かを発見しましょう....

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
準備出来てますか? では始めて下さい!!!(スロール・ダウン開始)

First Question:
第一の質問:

You are participating in a race.
貴方はレース(競争)に参加しています。

You overtake the second person.
貴方は二番の人を追い越します。

What position are you in?
貴方の位置は何番目にありますか?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
 答え:若し貴方が一番と答えたら、それは完全に間違っています!。
 若し貴方が、二番目の人を追い越せば、貴方はその人の位置を得るので、貴方は二番です。

Try not to screw up next time.
次回はへまをしない様に試みてください。

Now answer the second question,
さあ、第二の質問に答えてください、

but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?
但し 貴方が第一の質問にかけた様には時間をかけてはいけません。OKですか?

Second Question:
第二の質問:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)
若し貴方が最後尾の人を追い抜いたら、その時 貴方は...? (スクロール・ダウン)

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

答え:若し貴方が、貴方は最後から二番目と答えたのなら、それは又もや間違いです。
   言うまでも無く、どうやって貴方は その最後尾の人を追い越すことが出来るのですか?

You're not very good at this, are you?
どうやら 貴方は これでは あまり良くない様ですね?

Third Question:
第三の質問:

Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
とてもトリッキー(落し穴のある)算数! 注:これは貴方の頭の中だけでやらねばなりません。

Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
紙や鉛筆 又は計算機は使用しないこと。 では試して下さい。

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total?
まず1000を取り、そしてそれに40を足してください。 そこで更にもうひとつ別の1000を足して下さい。
そこで30を足して下さい。 更にもう一つ別の1000を足して下さい。そこで20を足して下さい。
そこで更にもう一つ別の1000を足して下さい。そこで10を足して下さい。 その合計は?

Scroll down for answer.....
スクロール・ダウンして 答えは.....

Did you get 5000?
貴方の結果は 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.
その正しい解答は実際には
4100です。

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
若し貴方がそれを信じないなら、計算機でそれをチェックして見て下さい。

Today is definitely not your day, is it?
今日は決して貴方の日では無い様ですね?そうではありませんか?

Maybe you'll get the last question right........Maybe.
多分貴方は最後の質問の正解を得るでしょう.... ....多分。

Fourth Question:
第四の質問:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
メアリーの父親は5人の娘を持っています;1.Nana(:ナナ), 2.Nene(:ネネ),3.Nini(:ニニ),
4. Nono(:ノノ). その5番目の娘の名前は何でしょう?

Did you Answer Nunu?
貴方の答えは Nunu(:ヌヌ)でしたか?

NO! Of course it isn't.
いいえ、勿論そうではありません。

Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
彼女の名前はMary(:メアリー)です。その質問をもう一度読んで下さい!。

Okay, now the bonus round:
オーケー,さあそれでは ボーナス・ラウンド:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush.
一人の唖者(:ものをいえない障害者)が店に入って、歯ブラシを買いたい。

By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the purchase is done.
彼は歯を磨く行為を手真似で行うことで、彼の意図を店員に成功裡に表現し! そして購買が為されました。

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
次に、一人の盲目者(:目が見えない障害者 )がその店に入って、サン・グラス(:色眼鏡)を買いたい; どうやって彼は彼の買いたいと思うものを示しましたか?

He just has to open his mouth and ask...
彼は単に彼の口を開いて依頼を伝えねばならない...

It's really very simple.... Like you!
それは実際に極めて単純に....貴方と同じ様に!

PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
これを貴方の日常に於ける利口で賢い人々にフラストレーションを与えるべく回してあげて下さい。


Home Joke02

Bush postal stamp

The US Postal Service created a stamp earleir this year with a picture of President Bush to honor his achievements while in office.

However, it was found that in daily use the stamp was not sticking to envelopes at all.

So the President established a blue ribbon commission to determine the reason for such a defect.

After a month's testing, the commission made the following findings:

1. The stamp was found to be in perfect order.

2. There was nothing wrong with the consistency of the applied adhesive.

3. People were just spitting on the wrong side.


Humour !

Although you may have no problem in reading the mail text and that in attachement, I'm adding some notes.

1. Text
DGSE is an organization assimilable to CIA.
Villejuif is a town in southern vicinity of Paris. I was living there during my first assignment in Paris.
"maussade" is pronounded in the same way as "MOSSAD", Israelite intelligence service.

2. Attachement
RATP operates Paris metro and bus.

Please enjoy.


Subject: Humour !


Cher Amis,

Voici un exemple d'humour "republicain" :

Un are = 100 m2
Un hectare = 10 000 m2
et.................................................
Un guemare = 600m2

Voici un exemple d'humour "DGSE" (Direction Generale de la Securite Exterieure) :

Monsieur Arafat etant arrive a Paris fatigue, il tomba dans le coma. Apres quelques jours de sommeil, il se reveilla et l'un des agents secrets francais presents dans la piece s'empressa de le rassurer en lui glissant a l'oreille :
"Monsieur Arafat, ne vous en faites pas, tout va bien, vous etes a Villejuif et le temps est maussade..."
Sur ce, Monsieur Arafat retomba illico et de facon surprenante dans le coma pour ne jamais refaire surface...

Et vous trouverez en attache un exemple d'humour syndicaliste...

Amicalement,


Humour!

AIMES TU...?
> 貴方のお好みは?
AIMES TU TE FAIRE EFFLEURER ?
> 軽く触れさせるのがお好きですか?
AIMES TU TE FAIRE PELOTER ?
> 無遠慮に撫で回させるのお好きですか?
QUE L'ON TE FASSE TRANSPIRE ?
> それで貴方が汗をかく程までに?
SENTIR LA RESPIRATION DE QUELQU UN A TON OREILLE ?
> 貴方の耳の辺りに息を感じること?
SENTIR UN SOUFFLE CHAU SUR TA NUQUE ET/OU SUR TON VISAGE ?
> 貴方の首筋の上と または貴方の顔の上にも 熱い息吹きを感じること?
ADOPTER SAN CESSE DE NOUVELLES POSITIONS ?
> 絶え間なく新しい位置を使うこと?
ALLER AU BORD... AU FOND...?
> 行ってお乗りなさい...実際に?
MONTER...? DESCENDRE...?
> 登って..? 降りて..?
>
ENTER...? SORTIR...?
> 入って...?  出て...?
ENTRER TOUT FROID...? SORTIR TOUT CHAUD ET EN SUEUR...?
> 寒くて冷え切って入り...? 全身熱くなって そして汗をかいて出る...?
>
QUI...?
> ウイ..?.イエス...?
RATP
> バス・地下鉄運行会社

METRO PARISIEN
> パリジャンのメトロ(地下鉄)
NOUS T'AIDONS A REALISER TES REVES
> 我々はあなた方の様々な夢の実現を援けます。


<RATP operates Paris Metro & Bus >

effleurer: vt. 軽く触れる 軽い愛撫  
peloter:vt.無遠慮に撫で回す
transpirer: vi. 汗をかく 
sentir: vt. 感じる
respiration: nf. 呼吸、息 
oreille: n.f. 耳
souffle: n.m. 吹き、息 
nuque: n.f. 襟首、首筋
visage: n.m. 顔 
adopter: vt. 採用する
cesse : 休止
sans cesse:絶えず
fond: n.m. 底 
au fond: 実際 は、結局
monter: vi. 登る、乗る 
sueur: n.f. 汗、苦労
aider: vt. 助ける,援ける

The Generation Gap

A young punk climbs on a city bus. The kid has spiked hair colored green, yellow and orange. His clothing is a tattered mix of rags, and his legs are partially bare and he has no shoes on.
His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry, and his earrings are big, bright, yellow and adorned with colored feathers.

The young punk sits down in the only vacant seat, which happens to be directly across the aisle from an old man, who just glares at the kid for the next ten miles.

Finally, the self-conscious kid yells at the old man - "What the hell are you looking at, you old fart? Didn't you ever do
anything wild when you were young?"

Without so much as missing a beat, the old man replies, "Well, yes I did. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot. I was thinking that you might be my son."



A guy and a girl meet in a bar:

They get along so well they decide to go back to the girls place.
A few drinks later,the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says"You must be a dentist".
The guy suprised says "Yes.How did you figure that out?".
"easy "she replied,"you keep washing your hands.".
One thing led to another and they make love.
And after they are done,the girl says,"you must be a very good dentist".
The guy,now with a boosted ego says,"yes,Im a good dentist.how did you figure that out?".
"Didnt feel a thing!" she responded.
THE END

Million Dollar Question

The Million Dollar Question for God

A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, "God, what is a million years to you?"

God replies, "My son, a million years to you is like a second to me."

The man asks, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"

God replies, "My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me."

The man asks, "So God, can I have a million dollars?"

And God replies, "In a second."


A True Friend : 真の友

Friendshp Between Women:
女性間の友情:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day, she told her husband that she had slept over
at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.

 1人の女性が1晩無断外泊した。 その翌日、彼女は夫に女友達の家に泊まったのだと言った。
 その男性:夫は、彼の妻が最も親しい10人の女友達に電話をしてみた。
 しかし、その女友達の誰も、それ(:外泊)に就いては何も知らなかったとのこと。

Friendship Between Men:
 男性間の友情:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day, he told his wife that he had slept over
at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

 1人の男性が1晩無断外泊した。 その翌日、彼は妻に男友達の家に泊まったのだと言った。
 その女性:妻は、彼女の夫が最も親しい10人の男友達に電話をしてみた。
 すると、そのうちの8人は彼(:夫)が彼(:男友達仲間)の家に泊まったと断言した、そして、残りの2人は
 その上、彼(:夫)はまだ其処に居るとさえ言い張った。


 

Home
 Joke02 
BodyPaint?

Golf Club names;
Irons; Number
One(1)….…Driving iron

Two(2)…….Mid iron

Three(3)…..Mid-mashie

Four(4)……Mashie iron
Five(5)……Mashie

Six (6)…….Spade mashie

Seven(7)….Mashie niblick

Eight(8)…..Pitching niblick

Nine (9)…..Niblick

Ten (10)…..Wedge

Pitching Wedge

Approaching Wedge

Sand Wedge…Dynamite

Woods; Number
One(1)……….Driver

Two(2)……….Brushie
Three(3)……..Spoon

Four(4)………Buffie
Five(5)………Creek

 

 

 



Home Joke02 BodyPaint?

水金地火木土天海(冥)

My very educated mother just served us nine pizza

日本語名
ギリシャ神話
ラテン語名(英語)
水星
ヘルメス
メルクリウス(Mercury)
金星
アフロディテ
ウェヌス(Venus)
地球
-
-
火星
アレス
マルス(Mars)
木星
ゼウス
ユピテル(Jupiter)
土星
クロノス
サトゥルヌス(Saturn)
天王星
ウラノス
ウラヌス(Uranus)
海王星
ポセイドン
ネプチューン(Neptune)
冥王星
ハデス
プルート(Pluto)

占星術

太陽・・・自分自身、意志を表す。男性的能動的能力。社会に出ている時に、最大限に力を発揮する。職業。仕事ぶり。また肉体を表し、体力や健康運をみる事もできる。父親、夫のイメージ。数字の1。年齢域は25歳〜34歳。
・・・感情、本人が持つ根本的人格を表す。女性的受動的能力。家庭。家族やひとりでいる時に、最大限に力を発揮する。物の感じ方。母親、妻のイメージ。数字の2。年齢域は0歳〜7歳。 
水星・・・知性、コミュニケーション、考え方を表す。他人と話す時、物を書く時に最大限に力を発揮する。能力。数字の5。年齢域は8歳〜14歳。
金星・・・愛情、価値観、理想とするもの、憧れ。レジャー、趣味、金銭。恋愛をしている時や遊んでいる時に最大限に力を発揮する。女性にとっては理想の自分像を、男性にとっては理想の女性像を表す。数字の6。年齢域は16歳〜24歳。
火星・・・行動力、行動パターン。勇気。戦い。瞬発的に動く時に、最大限に力を発揮する。男性にとっては理想の自分像、女性にとっては理想の男性像を表す。数字の9。年齢域は35歳〜44歳。
木星・・・拡張、リラックス、大らかさ。幸運のある場所。発展する可能性の高い物事。マイペースで努力をしない。一番の幸運の星と言われている。宗教や大学などにも関係がある。数字の3。年齢域は45歳〜54歳。
土星・・・峻厳、厳格、抑圧、規律、誠実、延滞。緊張感を持って取り組む場所。堅苦しさ。過去に不幸の星と呼ばれた事があるが、的確な呼び方ではない。古いものや年長者に関係がある。数字の8。年齢域は55歳〜70歳位。
天王星・・・改革、変化、衝撃的な出来事、突然の出来事、個人主義。コンピュータなどの電子関係や科学に関係がある。数字の4。年齢域は70歳〜84歳。
海王星・・・芸術、幻想、イマジネーション、占い、夢、心霊現象、憧れや未来へのビジョン。物事の輪郭をぼやけさせる働きがある。アルコールや薬、液体にも関係がある。数字の7。年齢域は84歳以降。
冥王星・・・破壊と再生、執着、徹底した探索、神秘の世界、先祖、カリスマ性。暗い洞窟へ奥深くもぐり込んでいくイメージ。死後の世界にも関係がある。追い詰められたときに最大限に力を発揮する。数字の0。年齢域は、死後。


Born 1930-1979!

TO ALL THE KIDS

WHO SURVIVED the
1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and

NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because.


WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING !

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.

And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms......


WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!


We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.


We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.


We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,

made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and kno cked on the door or rang
the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned


HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them . . CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks,"Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us....go ahead and delete this.
For the rest of us.....pass this on.


Subject: what grandma knows

What Grandmas Know

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,
too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Home Joke02 BodyPaint?

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